Have You Ever Invalidated Someone’s Feelings?
A quick guide to validating feelings and letting someone’s emotional reality exist.
While speaking to a friend, have you ever said things like
“Well, it could be much worse.”
OR
“Just don’t think about it and get on with it.”
OR
“Learn to deal with it.”
OR
“I am not having this same discussion again.”
Well, if you have ever used such statements, then at some point, you have invalidated someone’s feelings.
Validating someone’s feelings means you let someone’s emotional reality exist. It is about giving them space and allowing them to open up — even when you do not agree with it. It is a way of accepting people.
“Let someone’s emotional reality exist!”
Invalidation often takes place when you listen to respond and NOT when you listen to understand. Let that sink in!!
When people open up to us, we have a tendency to judge what they feel. We try to understand and respond to their experiences and feelings by comparing them to our past experiences and how we dealt with them.
But honestly, no two situations are the same. And even if they are, we do not have the right to tell someone to just get on with it. Chances are, the problems they are facing at the moment is the biggest problem in their lives.
So how do you NOT invalidate someone’s feelings?
1) Listen to understand
When someone shares their feelings, listen to understand. Simply put your self in their shoes and you will know exactly how they feel.
2) Let them finish
We need to realize that it takes real courage to open up to someone. People feel vulnerable when they do so. Often when they speak, there might be long pauses.
Please do not mistake these pauses to insert your opinion about their feelings. Patient listening is the key to enable someone to open up about their bottled up feelings.
“Patient listening is the key to validating feelings.”
3) Stop comparing
Please understand that no two situations are the same. When your friend shares their feelings with you, do not compare it to your experience and how you dealt with it. Even when your problems share many similarities with the other person’s problems.
Comparing and judging their feelings makes them less likely to open up in the future. This type of invalidation will definitely take a toll on their mental health.
4) Think before you speak
Once your friend has opened up to you, do not say anything that you would not like to hear. Pay attention to your words and how you phrase them. Do not offer unsolicited advice. The other person wants to feel that someone is there for them. That someone gets them no matter how complicated they sound right now. It is of utmost importance to make someone feel heard.
5) Support them
Make sure you make them feel supported. Check-in on them from time to time. When people are facing a difficult situation and their feelings are all over the map, they can at times find comfort by just knowing that someone out there understands what they are going through. That they are cared for and supported.
Validation is about making someone feel heard. Even when you might feel their problems are trivial.
Lastly, assure them that it is okay to feel what they feel.
P.S. If you have validated someone’s feelings today, I want to thank you for doing so. Friends like you should be cherished. The world needs more people like you. Sending you warmth and love❤
